So, another momaroo friend wrote about her problem with her self image and body post baby, which made me leave a ridiculously long comment, which got me to thinking, I should just write a blog on this myself. So here I am...
So, there I was, 5'1'', 130lbs, size 7 jeans, pretty good shape...then...BAM....along comes a baby and there goes my body. Little did I know just how badly this baby would affect my body and my self-esteem. I figured, I'd get a few strech marks, gain a few pounds, and most of it would be gone by the summer (she was born on December 30th). Fast forward to June, summer's here! Already? No! It can't be! I look like I just had a baby last week! I need more time! Why do I still look the same exact I did 5 1/2 months ago?! I asked myself those questions everyday as summer creeped closer without an inch of compassion for me. As I'm sure other mothers are reading this and laughing, because it's so true. Now I'm 5'1'', 170 lbs, size 14 jeans (if I'm lucky), and still heave up the stairs. Pathetic.
I didn't bounce back from the weight as I anticipated, I still eat like I'm pregnant and not because I choose too, but because my appetite is still heavy, my strech marks are still purple, and I got strech marks where I didn't even think you could get strech marks, and I still wear maternity clothes 80% of the time. It wasn't until I literally DRAGGED myself with a friend to Sears and Target and found out what size I am in clothes. I went from small and medium tee's to XL and size 7 to 14 jeans and even then I have to suck it in and wear big shirts so my flab doesn't show. That was possibly one of the worst days of my life, and I am not exaggerating. I was so depressed that day it was unbelievable. Here I am thinking that I'm going to feel better cuz I'm going to get out of maternity clothes..only to not end up not wanting to wear them and looking so disgustingly at the clothes I bought. And everybody always says "well, you have an excuse you just had a baby" Yeah...that excuse expired about 3 months ago, what am I going to be saying that when she's 5?
"Gabby, why do you still look like a beached whale?"
"Oh, I just had a baby"
"Oh really?! Congrats! When?"
"5 years ago"
No....I don't think so. And I'm not the type of person that has any kind of metabolism whatsoever...in fact I'm pretty sure I have none. If I eat, you can tell, If I don't eat, you can tell. It all goes directly to my stomach the second I swallow it and it's horrible. This also makes thing 100 times worse becuase it has been and is affecting me and the hubby's intimate life. I dress and undress in complete darkness or I leave the room if he needs the light on. I refuse for him to be in the shower with me and I make sure he never gets a glimpse of my stomach. I am so incredibly insecure about myself that when he comes home from work I make sure I put on makeup and do my hair so he doesn't see me like some slob or some whale he has to live with.
I've cried myself to sleep so many nights becuase of the insecurity, the longingness to feel like I once did, the sexiness I wish I could feel and have, the entire closet full of clothes that haven't been worn in over a year. And the fact that summer came and jeans and black tarps that I wear as shirts is what I have to deal with. Not a single thing from before I was pregnant fits me, and I refused to buy a lot of maternity clothes when I was pregnant becuase I didn't want to face the fact that my normal clothes would not fit me after I have the baby. It's frustrating, it's tiresome, it's not healthy, and it's the worst thing a mother has to deal with.
In the time of joy and love when you have a baby, you feel almost selfish to feel unhappy because this little angel did such horrendous WONDERS to your body. I'm just so tired of being tired. I NEVER have time to work out, and all the little things I've done to perk myself up...hair cut and styled, nails, new outfits, makeup....just isn't cutting it, becuase when I take all that off, this disgusting creature I see before me brings me to tears and I just want to lock myself up. Of course Michael tells me I'm beautiful and all that...but he's supposed to say that, or he'll be in bigger trouble...and I know that he still loves me and finds me attractive...but us women, we can read men, we know when they look at us a certain way - the way they did when we were young, we first met, and they thought we were the sexiest thing alive and wanted to take us down right then and there...we all want that look again from our man, but most importantly I want to just feel like myself again. I feel like I'm in somebody else's body, and I don't like it.
I just want to take off the fat suit and breathe again. This has been the most difficult thing I've to endeaur...given my background of self-esteem issues when I was younger and eating disorders coming into the picture...you can only realize what it's taking me to not starve myself and just do it the old fashion way. I'm brought to tears from the frustration and lack of ''women'' I feel....
Comments (5)
LOL! Thank you so much for sharing this! I'm actually down below my pre preggo weight ( Still have a good 20 to go though) but that's only because I landed myself in the hospital for 6 days and lost and extra 10 lbs when my daughter was 10 weeks old. Gall bladder gone BAD. I had to have an emergency c-section with her and the scar really mothers me...Instead of having a graceful leftover-baby-pouch I have a line wtih a disgusting numb and squishy tiger striped pouch left over.
And our daughters are ONE day apart!!!!!! Riley was born on New Years Eve 07. :0)
I too had a C-section...and have the lovely scar. I have a goal of losing a 100 pounds...which is a lot. It's hard to make time to work out, but with being a stay at home mom, I have to get out and spend time with other women...adults on a regular basis otherwise I will go nuts. Just hang in there...since I've been telling people about my goal, I'll have to keep updating...I really hate that I can only shop at Lane Bryant for clothes...they're too expensive...it's time to change that.
Best of luck! Hang in there!
This post is so true it's scary, and I totally sympathize! It's been 3 1/2 months since my daughter was born. I recently asked a friend how long the "I just had a baby" excuse lasts - her answer is 20 years lol. But I'm not so sure. I gained 60 pounds, and I am still 20 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. I am having difficulty getting use to the jeans that are 4 sizes larger and going from mediums to extra large tees as well. And I believe that even if I were to lose 50 pounds, I'd still have a saggy gut that hangs out over the top of my pants haha. I had to have a c-section, and the scar is nothing compared to the stretch marks - having a baby really does a number on your self esteem. Good luck on the weight loss battle - and just remember, there are a lot of new mamas right there with you! <3
I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I wish that I had the perfect thing to say to you... the magical cure for a post birthing body. Instead I am scared about whats going to happen to after my birthing experience. Thank you for sharing this because I am sure that you are not alone.
Hey, I was blog hopping and came across your page. I just wanted you to know, I completely understand. I have been dealing with this same thing. I have 4 kids, and boy can you tell. I actually only gained 2 pounds my entire preg. and my little girl was 9lb 8oz. She is 2 1/2 months, and I have already gained everything I lost while I was preg. I hate my body. I look in the mirror and all I see is ugly. I think I am going to have to make some mega changes in my life, because I just can not go on like this. It effects everything I think and do. My mood and ... Thanks for being so honest, and I hope things get better for the both of us.